I will be honest with you. I did not venture forth this Black Friday. I did not salivate over ads, print and internet. I did not check store opening times, available items in store, or mapquest to ensure I was taking the quickest route. I did not synchronize my watch with anyone or anything.

Other things I did not do today:

I did not see Wal-Mart employees lined up in riot gear shooting blu-ray DVD’s like frisbees into a screaming mob that threatened to rip their heads off and crap down their windpipes.

I did not witness Target employees in the electronics department drawing straws to see who would be locked under the display cases for protection and who would face the enraged customers and tell them the last discount tablet had been sold.

I have no firsthand knowledge of a group of smartly dressed young saleswomen at Kay Jewelers, armed with only stilettos and hairpins, beating back the mob that threatened to collapse the jewelry counter.

I totally missed the college student who snagged the last sale laptop at Best Buy, turned with a jubilant whoop, and was taken down by an elderly lady with a walker.

I did not sight a family of trolls using their sharp elbows to crawl through a crowd of shoppers massed outside K-Mart nor did I hear their howls as they were trampled when the doors opened.

I missed the mothers using strollers, with children still inside, as battering rams to get into Toys R Us.

I definitely didn’t glimpse the archangel Gabriel blowing his trumpet to herald the opening of Macy’s.

I stayed home on Black Friday and was thankful I didn’t work in retail.

Happy Holidays.

Related articles

• Man Threatens to Stab Fellow K-Mart Shoppers in Black Friday Scuffle (shoppingblog.com)
• Millions Rush to Stores on Thanksgiving for Black Friday (bloomberg.com)
• Mayhem & Madness Abound on Berserk Black Friday 2012 (warmsouthernbreeze.wordpress.com)
• Teenager Hits Black Friday Sale, Gets Promptly Robbed On His Way Home (businessinsider.com)
• No serious Black Friday incidents in L.A. — so far (latimesblogs.latimes.com)