Category Archives: relationships

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Broken Hearts and Resilience

The recent death of George Jones had me listening to “He Stopped Loving Her Today” and thinking about people who can’t bounce back from a broken heart.  Those unhappy souls who, following the death of a loved one or a failed relationship, turn to unhealthy coping behaviors, such as alcohol or drug abuse and sometimes progress to suicide, intentional or not. “Whiskey Lullaby” by Brad Paisley tells the tale of a spurned lover, “We watched him drink his pain away a little at a time, but he never could get drunk enough to get her off his mind until the night he put that bottle to his head and pulled the trigger and finally drank away her memory.”  Country star Mindy McCready died of a self-inflicted gunshot wound on her front porch a month after the man she called her “soul mate” shot himself on the same porch. Love can kill.

English: Broken heart sewn back together

English: Broken heart sewn back together (Photo credit: Wikipedia). Some broken hearts can’t be fixed.

Most of us who suffer a broken heart go through a period of intense mourning, but few of us plunge into a devastating tailspin from which we can’t recover. Why? In psychological terms, it’s called resilience, and it refers to the quality that allows us to be knocked down by life but return, sometimes even stronger.  Though it’s romantic to think our broken heart is a reason to give up and sink into depression, it’s not a healthy coping response. Believing we can mend and learn from the experience is.

And maybe that’s the difference between those who survive a broken heart and those who don’t. The survivors mourn the loss, remember the good times, and know that at some point there will be better times.

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Was Lost, but Now I’m Found

The joke in my family is that if I say take a right, the correct action is go left. Most trips that end in being lost start with my directions. It has always been that way.

traffic-signs-06

My lack of directional skills combined with planning a solo vacation driving to unfamiliar places has been a recent cause of angst. Yes, I could get a GPS. Yes, I could use Mapquest. Deep down I knew no matter what I used, my driving would end with me pulling over to the side of the highway, curling into a fetal position and crying until the Highway Patrol rescued me. Call it fate.

Too ashamed to ask my daughter to call in sick for a week and act as my chauffeur, I downloaded Verizon navigator to my phone, printed out my maps and highlighted them, and headed out, determined to break the curse and not get lost. But, before I even pulled out of the hotel parking lot, I realized my problem. I had too much information and trusted none of it. It was time for a change. I threw my maps in the backseat and put my faith in GPS.

At first, listening to the Verizon navigator confused me. Directions like “turn right in 3.4 miles” and “go straight on highway 123” resulted in me second guessing the voice, turning too early or straining to see road signs. But then, after two very small mistakes trying to out think the system, I decided to listen to the voice and follow its commands.

Amazingly, I made it to all my destinations without getting lost. Once I gave myself over to it, driving became enjoyable. No edge of my seat second guessing. No worry that I’d end up the wrong way on a one way street. As long as I had an address, I could get there.

As I cruised along, content in the knowledge I’d reach my destination, I thought about how many times I’ve overloaded my personal GPS with facts and figures rather than listening to the inner voice trying to guide me on the right path. It’s easy to extinguish our faith in ourselves. It’s easy to second guess.

It’s hard to trust.

But I trusted a satellite navigation system that I couldn’t see, touch, or feel and ended up where I needed to go. Maybe it’s time to trust my personal navigation system to do the same.

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Cats: Not to be Trusted

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Please note: No cats were hurt in the writing of this blog post.

My daughter’s dog has a cat. He loves his cat. Yes, that’s his picture above. He’s grooming his cat. He enjoys it. The cat appears to enjoy it too.

There are many things I love about sharing a house with my daughter. I love how she accentuates the positive. I love how she tells my inner mean girl to shut up. I love that she pay attention to what I have to say. I even love her dogs.

I just hate her dog’s cat.

Cat

Cat (Photo credit: @Doug88888)

It’s bad enough that cats cause depression, use litter boxes, and indiscriminately kill birds and rodents, but her cat sneaks into my office late at night when I’m asleep and messes with my stuff.

At first I blamed the dogs (cats are expert at shifting blame), until I realized if one of the big dogs leapt onto my desk it would collapse and the mini beagle can’t jump that high. No way dogs were dancing on my desk at night and leaving my papers in a disarray. My suspicions were confirmed the morning I opened my office door to find the cat guiltily looking up from a pile of papers. He fled through a secret entrance back into his bedroom before I could react. After I picked up the papers and straightened out my desk,  I found the cat pee.

Luckily he missed the laptop, kindle and ipad. His watery destructiveness was limited to the desktop calendar, my favorite Grammar Girl book, and a few pages of miscellaneous  notes. Enough to tick me off, but not enough to ruin my day.

Kattenbak

Kattenbak (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

And it certainly didn’t ruin the cat’s day, mainly because cat’s are hard to discipline.

A dog will drop into a submissive pose and look guilty even if he isn’t. A cat won’t.

A dog will understand he’s done something wrong and attempt to worm his way back into your good graces. A cat doesn’t.

Cats are resistant to having their nose rubbed in something, their snouts lightly tapped, or hearing the words “bad cat.” Almost like their egos are so large they can’t conceive of doing wrong. Cats are very egocentric, possibly sociopathic.

Which is why, in spite of the cat’s bad behavior, I’ll take no further action than to block his secret tunnel. As the bad boys of domesticated animals, I can’t spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder and wondering how he plans to take his revenge. You know, like entwining himself in my feet as I descend the stairs or pinning me under the blankets and smothering me. And that’s only the cat tricks I know about. Imagine how many devious little feline machinations remain secret.

On second thought, don’t imagine that. If you do and there’s a cat in your house, you’ll never sleep well again. And if there is a cat in the house, sleep with one eye open. Cats aren’t to be trusted.

(Evil) cat

(Evil) cat (Photo credit: zven-ug)

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Forget Florida, Vacation in New Hampshire

Living in New Hampshire is boring. Our weather leans heavily to cold, ice, snow, and mud interspersed with brief bouts of sunshine and black flies. We rarely get hurricanes, tornadoes, or earthquakes. When we do, we’re usually too busy doing something else to realize it until we pick up a newspaper or watch the Weather Channel. Our climate is ill-suited to man-killing gators or lions. We post warnings about moose (deadly if hit with a car) and bears. The bears don’t scare us, we just want out-of-staters to know we’re hard-core. Probably the most fearsome creature in New Hampshire is the skunk.

 

Striped Skunk

Striped Skunk (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

Our relative lack of natural disasters and scary predators leads many of our citizens, myself included, to regard the other 49 states as a veritable smorgasbord of danger and potential death. Still, many of our snowbirds make an annual trek to Florida, and most of them make it back alive. Even so, I believe that Florida is the most dangerous of the fifty states, ill-suited to a restful vacation.

 

Reason #1 – Sinkholes

 

Sure, there are sinkholes in other places, but Florida’s devour people in bed and make houses disappear. No way I can get a decent night’s sleep waiting for the earth to open up and swallow me whole.

 

sinkholetype-near-map

 

Reason #2 – Pythons

 

It’s estimated that the Florida Everglades is home to over 150,000 Burmese pythons. Florida’s recent Python Hunt captured 68 of them. Burmese pythons are among the largest snake species, growing to 7 feet or more and weighing up to 200 pounds. They hang out in trees, until they become too large to be airborne, and then they slither along the ground, strangling and swallowing whole small mammals and birds. In Florida, if the sinkhole doesn’t swallow you, a python might.

 

Python

Python (Photo credit: Aoife Cahill)

 

Reason #3 – Hurricanes

 

Florida’s hurricane season runs from June 1st to November 30. In the twentieth century,  158 hurricanes hit the US. Florida had the most landfalls at 57.  In 2004, Florida played host to four hurricanes. If the nature of tornadoes is to find and destroy trailer parks, the nature of hurricanes is to find Florida.

 

The MODIS sensor aboard NASA's Terra satellite...

The MODIS sensor aboard NASA’s Terra satellite captured this true-color image of Hurricane Charley on August 13 at 12:35 p.m. EDT. At the time this image was taken Charley was rapidly gaining strength and would reach category 4 status just 90 minutes later. Maximum sustained winds at 2:00 p.m. were at 145 mph and Charley was moving towards the north-northeast at 20 mph. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

Reason #4 – Disney World.

 

Cinderella Castle in the Magic Kingdom at Walt...

Cinderella Castle in the Magic Kingdom at Walt Disney World. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

Disney World is ground zero for a viral or bacterial apocalypse. Hordes of people eating junk food and suffering sleep deprivation, jammed together for hours in rides, lines, and around Goofy are the perfect fuel for a terrorist attack. Once released into the depressed immune systems of Disney-goers, a short incubation period should help spread the disease as vacationers crowd into airports, roadside diners, trains, and cruise ships. I have seen this apocalypse (in my dreams) and curse Disney World in advance for the demise of civilization.  Watch out for the coughing guy in a wheelchair, he’s patient zero.

 

Reason #5- Super-sized mosquitoes

 

The Midwest has locusts, the Northeast has black flies, but Florida is gearing up for an invasion of giant mosquitoes. Hungry mosquitoes, the size of a quarter, will make Florida an even more uncomfortable place, with or without insect repellant. Think of the sheer expanse of flesh available to Florida’s mosquitoes. Flesh exposed on beaches, golf courses, and in convertibles, easily accessible due to  tank tops, shorts, flip-flops, and bathing suits. It’s not wild speculation to think that Florida’s mosquitoes will get bigger each year, until, like in a SyFy movie, they’re big enough to swoop down and carry people into the air. Visiting Florida is only adding fuel to the fire.

 

If you’re looking for a lovely, non-lethal vacation, instead of Florida, consider New Hampshire. As the Granite State, we stand firm on our policy against sinkholes. In honor of our Live Free or Die motto, we are armed and willing to exterminate any pythons or poisonous  snakes that would ruin your quiet enjoyment. Though our weather might be overcast, cold, and windy, we don’t evacuate and, if we did, there’s plenty of ways to get out of town. New Hampshire’s own amusement park, Canobie Lake, isn’t a target for world destruction, mainly because only people from New Hampshire and Massachusetts go there. And don’t listen to what people say. Massachusetts might annoy us, but we’re not ready to get rid of them yet.

 

As far as bugs go, we’re pretty proud of our black flies. They might not be super-sized, but they’re like New Hampshire, they pack a big punch in a little package. Come and see us. Chances are, you’ll survive your vacation with nothing worse than a few bug bites and some windburn.

 

Live Free Or Die

Live Free Or Die (Photo credit: jcbwalsh)

 

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What We Shouldn’t Do For Love

A heart being used as a symbol of love. Photo ...

A heart being used as a symbol of love. Photo modified by author using Photoshop. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Urban legends and medical lore are full of the things people do for love. The 22-year-old girl who lifts the car crushing her father. The mother who rushes into a burning building to rescue her children. The father who doesn’t know how to swim, but jumps into the water to save his drowning son.

There are some things, however, that push us to the edge of what we will do for love. Loving an addict is one of those things. It’s tough wondering when the phone call asking for bail money will turn into the one asking you to identify a body. No one’s morning should start in a bedroom doorway worrying if the person inside is passed out or dead.  Life is hard enough without a daily routine of second guessing whether to argue or remain silent. After a while, silence is easier.

Because, after a while you realize that no matter how much you love the addict, you can never make the right decision, say the right thing, or provide the missing ingredient to keep them clean and sober. No one is  capable of stopping the addiction except the addict. Until they admit their problem and get help, no amount of love will make them whole.

It truly is not you, it’s them.

And when you make the decision to leave, the heartache doesn’t stop. Who will take care of them if you’re gone? Make excuses to the few friends that are left? Divert the phone calls from work? Pick up the slack when they spend days in bed recovering from binges?

The pull to go back is stronger than a riptide. It sucks you back and keeps you in place.  To apologize, to make excuses, to take the blame. It’s familiar, comfortable, and as reassuring and necessary as the booze or pills are to the addict.

Until one day you realize that in order to save anyone, you have to save yourself first. You can’t move the car off a loved one if you’re pinned beside them. You can’t save someone from a burning building dressed in gasoline-soaked clothes. You can’t rescue a drowning man when he’s pulling you down with him.

You can’t.

Read all the fairy tales, urban legends, and medical myths you want on the power of love, not all of love stories have happy endings. There are some things love can’t fix. Addiction is one of them.

All you can do is save yourself.

Want more information? Check out the links below:

Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, Al-Anon Family Groups, Nar-Anon Family Groups

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Too Much Reality TV Isn’t a Good Thing

Don't be tardy for the party

Don’t be tardy for the party (Photo credit: Totally Severe)

I’ve been watching a lot of reality TV lately. It started innocently enough. A little Real Housewives of Atlanta, solely to get to the bottom of Kim‘s wig fetish. Then I half-watched a few episodes of Teen Mom and wondered why a license isn’t required to have a child. Catfish, a show that provides the opportunity for the internet lovelorn to discover their online sweetie is using someone else’s identity, quickly became repetitive, so I switched to the The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills to watch women dumped by semi-famous men. That became a gateway to the Shahs of Sunset. Reza had a haircut I needed to study and no one does mean girls, it turns out, quite like the Persians. Oh, and a Persian Barbie who was also a lawyer. Who knew? Every time I watched I’d promise myself it was the last episode, then something shocking would happen and I’d be on the hook for the next show.

Best part of Shahs of Sunset: the shots of the...

Best part of Shahs of Sunset: the shots of the kabobs at the very end (Photo credit: ario_)

And, let’s be honest here, no one watches these shows to learn about life or live vicariously through someone else. We watch because we’re fascinated by the grotesque and ugly things these people do. 450 cc fake boobs, drunken catfights, botox, and plastic surgery combine to make these people look less than human. And the way they live? Not like anyone I know. Daddy or hubby pays the bills. Jobs, if they have them, are as ridiculous as making diamond water (don’t ask) or selling books about the scandals they’ve already covered on the show. They travel in limousines, have outrageous parties, and raise children that are largely absent. Definitely not in my league.

And not a league I want to be in.

I understand that everyone wants their 15 minutes of fame. I know if there isn’t controversy, no one will watch (me sitting on my couch in my pajamas would be an epic fail of a reality show). I acknowledge that good television requires good guys and villains and watching the conflict that develops between them is what keeps me tuning in.

But, there’s something inherently sad about watching people play a role on TV. The jilted lover, the lying stud, the long suffering wife, and the alcoholic, lonely single woman all seem comfortable to lay the pain and ugliness of their lives on the screen and have us watch. They want us to sympathize, understand, and ultimately learn from their story line.  Unfortunately all I’ve learned is that the tv viewing audience is no substitute for a trained therapist.

I think I’ll turn off my tv and leave them to their dysfunction.

Kicking Television

Kicking Television (Photo credit: dhammza)

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